My Heart’s Desire

Years ago, I remember feeling very confused. It says in the Bible that if you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). But, when I was nine years old, I thought I had been delighting myself in the Lord. I read my Bible more than most people. I prayed daily. I sang worship songs. And even on certain occasions, God would speak to me. I felt like my whole life was so put together (it really wasn’t), and I was only NINE! I thought I had been delighting myself in the Lord. So, why was He telling me to do something completely against what I called the desires of my heart? Why would He do that? Wasn’t He faithful in all His promises? I felt so confused. But there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t exactly argue with God about this. I mean, theoretically I could, but deep down I knew I must have some of the details wrong about that passage of Scripture and that’s why God wasn’t fulfilling His promise.

Years later, the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. At first, I came to the conclusion that being a missionary in Uganda was the deepest desire of my heart. I always felt so at peace in Uganda. And, when I wasn’t in Uganda, all I wanted to do was go back. So, therefore, it must be the deepest desire of my heart. But at some point along the way, I realized even this conclusion was missing something. There was something deeper in my heart. But how was I supposed to put it into words? I didn’t even know what it was. It was almost like an internal groaning, a throb in my heart, an ache in my soul. But what was it exactly? It took me ages to finally figure it out. The deepest desire of my heart wasn’t to be safe, to get married, to have children, or even to move to Uganda. None of these things were bad things but they weren’t the deepest desires of my heart. The deepest desire of my heart was to have an intimate relationship with the Lord. And I find this kind of relationship every time I serve Him. It’s like a no-brainer. When I feel distant from God, I serve Him. And then, just like that, problem solved. I think it’s a special gift He left His followers. It becomes ingrained in our very DNA the second we profess Jesus as Lord and make Him the most important part of our lives. 

And so, as I searched the depths of my soul, I realized the most important thing in and out of the world to me was simply to be as close to Jesus as I possibly could get. I don’t care what extent I have to go to to be in that perfect place. In fact, I have given up my life for this one thing. I can’t stand buying expensive clothes anymore or sleeping in till noon. Instead, I long and desire to sit on slimy dirt in the middle of a slum, holding as many children as my lap can fit, kissing their dirty little faces, and whispering into their tiny ears the love that Jesus has for them. Why? Because that’s where Jesus is. That’s exactly where Jesus is. And that, my friends, is the desire of my heart.