The Light of the Moon

I wrote this little passage last year and and have been reminded of it time and time again. Please excuse any grammatical errors or choppiness. I just wanted to share it with you all. 

12/9/19

I’m honestly not sure what to call this. Maybe an epiphany. . . Or a realization brought on by God. Either way, I just realized something that I was never able to really connect in my brain before. I understand the correlation between light/dark to good/evil. 

I had a really hard day today. I can only say that it truly felt like I was being attacked. I know I was. I also was pretty much defeated until about 7:30pm. So from the start of my day to 7:30 I faced a difficult battle. I simply didn’t want to pray. Cough cough. Umm, who tries to keep us from praying? Satan. 

So, at about 7:30, (it was already dark outside) I opened up my curtains, and closed and locked my door. I bent down and finally started praying. I was confused. I hadn’t quite figured out that the devil had been attacking me yet, but I figured it was something like that. Well, I basically asked God why it felt like He wasn’t present. Where were His little kisses and hugs that I had received multiple times in the past? So, before I had even started praying, I noticed the moon was extremely bright tonight. I mean, even with the yard lamp on, there was a huge splotch of clear white light on the floor of my bedroom. By the time I finished praying, I definitely felt better. Not because I had some fulfilling prayer or anything, but simply because I had prayed. I didn’t feel like God gave me any little or big kisses, or had even really met me in that moment. Of course He was there, I simply wasn’t ‘feeling’ Him. So fast forward a couple of hours. I just listened to an amazing sermon by Tad Trapp, the pastor of my older brother’s church. And then, after the sermon was over, I turned off my light, opened the curtains again, and listened to some beautiful music and worshiped God. I moved towards the window to get a better view of the world, when I noticed the moon again. I started praying. I said, “God, one day I want to be like the moon. No, I want to be like the sun. Actually, no, I want to be like the moon, because You are like the sun, and the moon reflects Your Light.”

Then it hit me. I noticed all the other stars in the dark sky and realized that good vs. evil and dark vs. light are almost perfect analogies of each other. I was made to reflect Christ’s Light, just like the moon. It’s bright and at times will actually shower the whole earth in the light it’s reflecting, making the darkness disappear. The sins of the world are the darkness. But occasionally there are stars and planets and moons that reflect the light of the sun. Just like Christians should and (some) do reflect the Light of the Son, lighting up the darkness of the world. There’s another type of light though. The artificial light. The light that in this example came from was the yard lamp. The artificial light sometimes, almost always, catches the unsuspecting eye of bugs. They get confused as to what the real light is and they kill themselves in their attempts to reach the fake light. So how do you recognize the True light compared to the fake light? You have to know the differences. Read the Bible. Study the Bible. Memorize the Bible. 

Another thing I noticed for the first time was how darkness actually cannot beat light. I mean, think about it. Light always wins. Sure, it takes more energy to make light than darkness, because darkness is the natural state of the world, just like in life. But when you do shine the light, the darkness hides. Light always wins. You turn on a flashlight and everything the light touches makes the darkness hide. You can’t turn on the darkness. When the light goes out, the darkness comes in, but every time you turn on the light, the darkness cannot stand. That blows my mind. 

All that to say, God gave me a kiss tonight. It wasn’t the same as the last ones, but it was so much better. 

My Heart’s Desire

Years ago, I remember feeling very confused. It says in the Bible that if you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). But, when I was nine years old, I thought I had been delighting myself in the Lord. I read my Bible more than most people. I prayed daily. I sang worship songs. And even on certain occasions, God would speak to me. I felt like my whole life was so put together (it really wasn’t), and I was only NINE! I thought I had been delighting myself in the Lord. So, why was He telling me to do something completely against what I called the desires of my heart? Why would He do that? Wasn’t He faithful in all His promises? I felt so confused. But there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t exactly argue with God about this. I mean, theoretically I could, but deep down I knew I must have some of the details wrong about that passage of Scripture and that’s why God wasn’t fulfilling His promise.

Years later, the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. At first, I came to the conclusion that being a missionary in Uganda was the deepest desire of my heart. I always felt so at peace in Uganda. And, when I wasn’t in Uganda, all I wanted to do was go back. So, therefore, it must be the deepest desire of my heart. But at some point along the way, I realized even this conclusion was missing something. There was something deeper in my heart. But how was I supposed to put it into words? I didn’t even know what it was. It was almost like an internal groaning, a throb in my heart, an ache in my soul. But what was it exactly? It took me ages to finally figure it out. The deepest desire of my heart wasn’t to be safe, to get married, to have children, or even to move to Uganda. None of these things were bad things but they weren’t the deepest desires of my heart. The deepest desire of my heart was to have an intimate relationship with the Lord. And I find this kind of relationship every time I serve Him. It’s like a no-brainer. When I feel distant from God, I serve Him. And then, just like that, problem solved. I think it’s a special gift He left His followers. It becomes ingrained in our very DNA the second we profess Jesus as Lord and make Him the most important part of our lives. 

And so, as I searched the depths of my soul, I realized the most important thing in and out of the world to me was simply to be as close to Jesus as I possibly could get. I don’t care what extent I have to go to to be in that perfect place. In fact, I have given up my life for this one thing. I can’t stand buying expensive clothes anymore or sleeping in till noon. Instead, I long and desire to sit on slimy dirt in the middle of a slum, holding as many children as my lap can fit, kissing their dirty little faces, and whispering into their tiny ears the love that Jesus has for them. Why? Because that’s where Jesus is. That’s exactly where Jesus is. And that, my friends, is the desire of my heart. 

My Story, Part 1

“Go. Be a missionary in Uganda for the rest of your life.”
Those words pulsed through my head as I sat on the floor of my basement school room. What just happened? I could feel the cold fingers of fear running down my spine. A feeling of deep guilt and anger started boiling up in the pit of my stomach. How was I supposed to respond to this? How could I avoid what the Lord has just told me to do? Could I possibly dare say no to my Savior? My little nine year old heart felt like it was being torn in two. I wanted to obey the Lord. I only recently had been able to begin a true and full relationship with Him. But, I also wanted to live the life I had been planning for as long as I could remember here in America. Everything would be so easy! My whole life had been laid out in front of me ever since I was born. I didn’t know the first thing about Uganda. All I had ever heard about Africa was that it was a dark and dangerous place. Why did God, if He was so loving and kind, want me to spend the rest of my life in a place that could take my life. In fact, it would take my life. I would have to die to myself. But what I didn’t realize at nine years of age was that when we lose our lives for His sake, we then find them (Matthew 10:39). I also felt cheated in some way by God. I had always been a ‘good girl’. I tried hard, too hard, to never sin. In my mind, I though I had done everything possible to delight myself in the Lord. The Bible says that those who delight themselves in the Lord will receive the desires of their hearts (Psalm 37:4). So, according to my logic, that meant that what the Lord was telling me to do was wrong. He wasn’t supposed to be calling me to Africa. He was supposed to be giving me my heart’s desires. But what I didn’t know was that He was. I just hadn't realized it yet. 
I eventually came to the conclusion that I had to obey the Lord. I couldn’t go on living a normal life if I knew I had disobeyed Him in any way. So, I died to myself that day. 

By the time I was about 12 or 13, I started saving a lot of my money specifically so that I could go on a mission trip once I was in high school. I planned on going to Haiti because both of my older two siblings had gone there and loved it. We also had a local ministry that would take trips there and we knew a lot of people who had gone. So, it was easy. All I had to do was raise $1,200. Now this is a lot of money for a 12 or 13 year old to raise on her own. It took me about two years before I raised almost enough to go. By the time I was 14, in the winter of 2017, I had about $800. I was planning to go to Haiti in the summer, six months later. That’s when my mother came to me and told me that she had decided to go with me to Haiti. This was great news to me since I was really scared and didn’t want to do this on my own. So my amazing mom stepped in. She started raising money too and, before we knew it, we both had almost all of the money we needed to both go to Haiti. Right after I turned 15 in January, 2018, my mom came to me and told me that we needed to sign up for the Haiti trip if we wanted to make it on the team. I nodded my head. A week later, she asked me if I had looked into it yet. I told her that I hadn’t but I would as soon as I had some free time. Not long after that, Mom came to me and told me plainly that she didn’t feel excited about going to Haiti. I admitted to her that I didn’t either and I couldn’t figure out why. That’s when the crazy happened. 

“Why don’t we go to Uganda?” 

I froze. A smile crept up on my face. I started to laugh inwardly. Mom had really gone off the deep end hadn’t she? 

“Mom, listen. Listen. We can’t go to Uganda because it’s too far away. It’s practically on the other side of the world. It’s in AFRICA! Ebola is in Africa! It costs three TIMES as much money to go. There isn’t an organization that we know of that would let us go with them. It’s too dangerous. We would probably die.” That was my answer to her ridiculous proposal. But my mom, being who she is, wasn’t deterred by my discouraging answer. She started doing a bit of digging and found a ministry based out of Kentucky that would take us with them. The cost for each person was $3,400. There was literally no way this was possible. So I prayed. My prayer was very simple. There weren’t any big words or lofty thoughts involved. I simply prayed, “God, if you want me in Uganda this summer, then You get me there.” Three months later, we had almost every penny we needed to go. I still look back at that time and marvel at how plainly God provided. On July 7th, 2018, my mom and I said goodbye to our family and left America for the first time in both of our lives. 24 hours later, I stepped off a plane and took my very first steps in Uganda. Something inside of me clicked. 

I. Was. Home.

I had never felt anything like this before. I couldn’t even describe it. I remember turning around as my mom and I walked through the terminal, and saying to her, “I’m home.”

It was like for the first time in my life, I was where I belonged. What was this feeling? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. So, instead of letting my mind blow up, I just kept walking. I hadn’t slept for 24 hours, yet I felt like I had all the energy in the world. I was home. I let those words roll around in my head. I couldn’t understand it. Why had God chosen me? Why had He chosen to bless me like this? When I was nine, I felt like it was more of a curse than a blessing. Yet now, I knew without a doubt that this was one of the best gifts I had ever received. The desires of my heart were being given to me. I didn’t even know what the deepest desires of my heart were until I stepped foot in Uganda. God knew before I was even formed in my mother’s womb. How is He so good? What love He has shown me in the insignificant life I have so far lived! My heart swells every time I think about my Savior. I love Him. 

I spent 10 days on this trip and they were the best 10 days of my life. I remember one day, it was a few days into the trip already, and I sat on the ground in my skirt (trust me. That’s not easy. Ha ha!) and was very quickly surrounded by children. The red dirt had already settled on every exposed section of my skin, and the hot sun beat down on my head. I looked at the ground right beneath me. I looked at the dirt and studied every detail. 

“This is the closest place to heaven on earth for me.” I looked up. My heart soared at this thought. Part of me was breaking. I knew I couldn’t stay here yet. I had a long way to go before I could live in this land the Lord called me to. But there was another part of my heart that was filled. It wasn’t like my heart was going to explode at that moment, or like I couldn’t help but scream from the amount of joy I was feeling. Rather, I felt calm. Peaceful. I knew I knew I knew. This was home to me. 

Before I even left Uganda, I wanted to go back. I’m not kidding! Ha ha! I remember getting back to America. It was so hard. I was happy to see my dad and younger brother who both met us at the airport and I was eager to share all about the trip. But it was like I had just left home knowing I wouldn’t return for, at the very least, a year. It was as if I had for the first time experienced what it felt like to have all of my heart in my chest. And now, I was back to having only part of it again. The saying, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you,” isn’t always true, but in this situation, I can relate to it. Before I went to Uganda, I had no idea that I wasn’t living at my maximum potential. Now that I knew, it was almost impossible to go back to life as it was before. I didn’t step foot on American soil, and say, “I’m home.” My mom did, because to her, America is her home. But to me, it was a foreign land that felt almost like a prison. I don’t say this with any contempt or pride. I don’t say this to bring myself glory. I say this because I know that God put Uganda in my heart, and He put the desire in me to go back. While I was in Uganda, it wasn’t easy. We faced battles with cockroaches, held children with scabies, hugged people who had HIV/AIDS, worshiped Jesus across the street from a man who worships Satan. I had a real meltdown towards the end of our trip. It wasn’t easy. In fact it was more difficult than I could ever have imagined. Yet love covers a multitude of sins. Love looks past flaws and forgets wrongdoings. And God put love in my heart for the people of Uganda. He put love in my heart for Him. I would do anything for God. Not because I am strong or because He needs me, but because He did EVERYTHING for me. Because He did everything for me, I would do anything for Him. I long to give Him even just a tiny portion of what He gave me simply out of love. Not because I feel like it’s the noble thing to do, or that I need to pay Him back somehow, but rather because I love Him more than life. I love Him more than death. If Jesus was in Hell, that’s where I would want to be too. 

I also want to make sure to all who ever read this that you understand something. As I talk about my calling to Uganda, and how much I love these people, I want you to understand that Uganda itself isn’t the blessing I speak of. It’s not even the people. When I stepped into Uganda and said, “I’m home,” I wasn’t saying it because the place of Uganda is my home. I didn’t say it because my home is with those people. No. I am home when I obey the will of my Father. When I looked at the ground in Uganda and said that that spot was the closest place to heaven on earth for me, I wasn’t saying that about the physical place. I was saying it about the closeness I experienced with God. Yes, I’m close with God in America too, but in Uganda, I am obeying Him like He called me to. And this produces a kind of intimacy with Him that I can’t experience otherwise. 
So, there’s a lot more to my story; I went back to Uganda, I experienced the darkest season of my life, I received a second calling from God, but all of that is a story for another time. Right now, I want the focus to be on the transformation I experienced after my first trip to Uganda.