Daily Life

Oh the tranquility of a slow day. It can heal and nourish the soul if fully utilized. As I sit here typing into my phone, I hear children laughing, with their lighthearted conversation in high pitched voices. So innocent and sweet. I hear the wind blowing through the tree I’m enjoying the shade of. I hear workers hammering metal off in the distance and the soft murmur of low voices deep in conversation. I know and have come to accept that life isn’t easy. But here in this quiet moment, I can forget about the pain if I want to. I can let my mind slip into the meekness of its original form before the world complicated it. It’s interesting, isn’t it? As Christians, we emphasize prayer and Bible reading for the regeneration of the soul. And I agree of course. Those two things are paramount to survival. But this moment is too. God created children, of which I’m hearing in the background. God created this tree and the wind. God created the bright blue sky filled with clouds of many different shapes. God created this simple moment. And in it, I can’t help but feel connected to my Creator. I hear Him in the high pitched squeals of the children, in the melodic hammering of the workers, in the rustling leaves of the tree. I feel Him in the gentle, mild climate in which I am most comfortable. I see Him in the innocent games and creative explorations of the children in front of me. I wonder if we put too much emphasis on the evil in this world and forget that God is the very One who created these foundational things. Man kind has corrupted it. But not completely. If you just slow down, listen closely, you will see God’s hand still gently painting the perfect picture. And it’s in those moments, I am easily reminded of the goodness of Jesus. 

And then the moments of stark contrast come. I walk in the scorching sun down long muddy roads. Smells that I can’t even describe cause me to breathe very lightly. As I walk, I carefully guard the phone in my jeans. In fact, I’ve strategically placed it so that it would be harder to steal. I walk on one side of the road in hopes to avoid any boda boda’s from hitting me. But this causes me to walk through a lot of mud and animal waste. I move quickly. I find this usually helps keep the unwanted flirting and harassment at a more manageable level. But still it comes. Occasionally a very drunk man decides to walk with me as far as he is able. His slurred words flow out of his mouth incoherently. “Omulungi (beautiful one), what country?” I smile and answer. If I refuse to say anything, he would most likely become angry. But I keep walking and eventually he fades away. I reach my destination and end up sitting through a three hour meeting. I haven’t eaten breakfast or supper from the night before. I’m so hungry. But now the hours tick by and I begin to wonder if I’ll even get lunch. As I sit there under the umbrella, the sun manages to find me. I break out in a sweat. Will this day end? Of course it does. Eventually I climb into bed, tired beyond words and still dirty from the long day. The water at home is off. I don’t even know if I’ll get to shower in the morning. But that’s when God’s tender mercies come in. I wake up, and a new day has begun. I find a jerrycan of water and manage to shower the best I can, using a cup and a basin. I iron my tshirt and fix my hair. I find some bread in the kitchen and cover it in honey. One step at a time. One day at a time. And with each day that comes, God’s protection and guidance over my life becomes all the more clear. I get hurt, yes. But He never lets it break me. He gives me more than I can handle, yes. But never more than He can handle. So for that reason, I trust Him. And in both the simple calm, and the crazy hustle, God is there. He is gentle, like the wind in the trees, and He is faithful to protect me in the crazy moments. That’s God. He’s always there. In the good, bad, easy, and hard, He is always there. What a comforting thought. 

The Key of Humility

Humility. Such a small word holding so much power. I think the answer between depression and joy lies in it. If one can but unlock the power it holds, nothing can defeat them.

I work with all kinds of people, talking to them, counseling them, teaching them, encouraging them, and they open up to me about all of the issues in their own lives. Sometimes they struggle with sexual sins, sometimes its financial, sometimes its anger issues. I always sit there and listen. Then I speak the truth to them, the painful truth. I remind them of what the bible says. And I encourage them to overcome. Then, I'll admit, sometimes I foolishly lean back in my chair and feel the lightness of self-comparison. I don't struggle with these things, I think. Sexual sin is so destructive. I cross my arms. I'm so proud of myself. That hasn't been my daily struggle like it is theirs, you know? On and on I muse, smiling to myself. Well done, Abby. You're so much better than everyone else. Day after day ticks by until I realize I have sunk into serious depression. I can hardly get out of bed in the mornings. I can hardly control my general annoyance for everyone. And then it hits me. Pride. I have become so self-centered and me-focused. And then humiliation as I realize this. And a counter attack to humiliation is more pride. Before I know it, I realize I am worse off than the fornicator. At least for them, they can see their sin clearly. But for me, I am trapped in a tornado of continuous, unnoticeable pride. Is it really that simple? Pride? I want to laugh. But then the icy cold fingers of fear start to run through my veins. This is a very serious sin. This is the sin that literally brought a curse down on all of humanity from the beginning of time. I want to destroy it, but then I remember the only way to do so is to die to myself. Not just today, but tomorrow also. And the day after that. Over and over again until the day of my literal death. This is a lot. It's overwhelming. How does one capture the essence of humility and self-forgetfulness? A key that unlocks the door to heaven on earth, yet the very key I seem to have misplaced. The only answer I can see is repentance. Daily, continuous repentance. Falling on my knees in prayer as I beg God to forgive me. Can God not cleanse the vilest sinner like me? Oh, what a reminder! We cannot compare our shortcomings with each other. My sin is not better or worse than yours. Rather than weighing the cost of one sin over another, simply repent! Stop wasting time by playing games with different fires. They all burn. And the sooner we can realize that the freer, more loving, more compassionate, and purer we will all be. Perhaps it's true, and I have seen it first hand, some sins will burn more than others. Some scorch, some scar, and some set fire even to those around it, but one thing remains the same. They all burn. And more than that, they all will take you to hell (Romans 6:23) unless you turn from them and come running into the open arms of Jesus Christ. And, my dear reader, I am happy to inform and remind you that those arms are always open. You have no excuse not to run full speed into them. I have no excuse not to as well. So, what are we waiting for?

Rejoice in Suffering

Enjoy the suffering. When I was younger, I would always get excited when I discovered something new about myself that I thought would make my future life in Uganda easier. For example, I enjoyed walking long distances. I thought it was fun to hand wash my clothes. Being busy was enjoyable to me. There were many more things that one by one made me think I was literally designed to be a missionary specifically in Uganda. I used to believe it was God proving to me just how ready I was to obey this calling He had placed on my life. But now that I’m here, I have a new explanation for it. I have learned to rejoice in the things I am not gifted in. Why? Because those very things become a vessel of sacrifice proving my dedication and love for the Lord. I hate the heat. Good, because when my skin is sticky with sweat and a sunburn is forming on my shoulders and nose, I smile in my soul and whisper, “God, because I love You.” I’m an introvert deep inside. Good, because when a random stranger starts talking to me after I thought I was finished working for the day, I smile in my soul and whisper, “God, because I love You.” I’ve always struggled with loneliness even when surrounded by people. Good, because when my loneliness rises and I’m still forced to encourage someone I’m discipling that they’re not alone, I smile in my soul and whisper, “God, because I love You.” I’m very close with my biological family. Good, because every time I have to say goodbye for what could be forever, I smile in my soul and whisper, “God, because I love You.” God could have made things easier for me by designing me differently. Maybe He could have made me an extrovert and given me a love for hot days, but He didn’t. Why? He wanted to let me prove to Him my love. So, I rejoice when I don’t understand why I have to suffer in the little things. They are opportunities, not nagging punishments or torments. The mosquitos bite, the catcalls persist, the missed meals are always there, but praise God. I’m here, suffering in different ways, because I love Him. 

Expecting the Unexpected

I live in Uganda. And in Uganda, the world spins quickly. Today I might be playing with children, teaching teenagers, washing dishes, and sweating in the hot sun. The next day, I might be sitting in a famous man's living room talking about football. And the next day, I might be walking seven miles to do campus evangelism all day. I'm learning to expect the unexpected. I'm learning to enjoy being flexible. Sometimes a long anticipated program gets cancelled, and I feel disappointed. But sometimes I'm having a challenging day and suddenly I'm invited to a friends' house to watch a movie. And what is the lesson I'm learning in the midst of this? Be content in every circumstance. Don't wish you were somewhere else if God has put you where you are. Look for the little things that make every moment beautiful. One conversation may be all it takes for a child to learn to trust you. And now that child's life will never be the same. I'm faced with options constantly concerning who I should talk to and interact with. But the thing is, sometimes if I just stand still for a few moments, God shows me what's next. Someone I knew once wished that God would give her a ten year plan for her life. That way she could prepare for what's next. But as nice as that might seem, God rarely ever gives us a ten year plan. Rather, He leads us moment by moment, teaching us to trust Him for everything. When we don't know what's next, we lean all the more on the One who does. May we live our lives fully expecting the beautiful unexpected, learning to trust in the only One who knows what's next. 

What is He Doing?

 What is He Doing? That’s been the big question in my life recently. What is God doing? The things He is putting me through make no sense. Why would He tell me to move to Uganda now and then stop me three days before, telling me to go later? Does God lie to us? I know that the answer to that is no, but sometimes I just wonder. What’s He doing? During this struggle, I’ve felt distant from God. It’s like I’m angry with Him, yet I know I shouldn’t be. My mind and heart are in a constant battle. One knows the truth, while the other feels differently. 

So, what is God doing? Finally, an answer came to me yesterday. I had heard this answer before, but it never really sunk in until just hours ago. I don’t know what He’s doing, and the thing is, I don’t need to. I don’t need to know why God stopped me. All I need to do is continue on trying to serve Him. That’s it. I am not God. And what I mean by that is that I don’t need to know the things only God knows. He sees everything from a different perspective. For example, I’ve been to the ocean many times in my life, and one time in particular was very recent. I got to go to the beach and swim in some very turbulent waters (there was a lifeguard on duty though and I was never in any real danger). The waves were so enormous. As I stood neck deep in the ocean, wave after wave crashing over me, I would sometimes be completely covered and swept under the water by these huge waves. They were very powerful. And I couldn’t see over them. One would come. And that would be all I could see until it was passed. Then another would come. Of course, I was having a ton of fun swimming in the waves, but it was easy for me to see how limited my vision was. All I could see was the one wave. But when I would stand on the shore, gazing out over the ocean, I could see all of the waves at the same time. God can see all of the waves. But we, human beings, can only see the one in front of us. God sees the whole picture. We see just a part of it. So, we should trust Him. Wouldn’t you rather get directions for where to swim from the One who sees all of the waves compared to the person swimming right next to you?

 

Finally, I broke through all of my bitterness towards God just yesterday. My heart melted and I surrendered to Him anew. He loves me. He loves me so much. And I know that. He may have taken away what I thought was most important, for now at least. But that helped me remember that truly only God is most important. And God is my only hope. If he took everything from me, I would be fine. If He took my health, my future, my family, anything, I would still be ok. Why? Because God is all that I need to have joy. And the good news is, I ALREADY HAVE HIM! So I’m set for life, AND eternity!!! 

Purpose

 As the hours count down and the moments pass, I'm realizing all the more how quickly our time on earth ends. Eternity must be in our minds constantly. Now is not forever. But one day, it will be. One day, every little mistake and flaw in our physical lives will be changed into beauty. Why worry about how we look? Why worry about how much stuff we have? Why strive to gain money when all of these things will not be taken with us into eternity? Turn your eyes off of this world. There are more important things to spend our energy on. Let us stretch out our hands to lift up the crippled. Let us bend down and hug the forgotten. Let us spread the relationship we have with Christ to others too. Can you imagine every breath being spent on others? Can you fathom every heart beat given to God? This is how it is supposed to be. This doesn't mean there will be no laughter or fun. We can still laugh, joke, and play. But we must always remember Christ. We are Christians, Christ followers. We have a purpose. There is a plan. I want to live for Him. I want to die for Him. My life, my love, I give to Thee, Thou Lamb of God who died for me. And may I ever faithful be, my Savior and my God. 

The Inkwells

 I have a very precious friend (known as E. G. Runyan publicly) who has an awesome website that she and a few other friends have created. I wanted to add the website’s link here for anyone who is interested to check it out. I’m blown away by the creativity these awesome people have! God blesses us with gifts, and sometimes those gifts seem difficult to turn back to Him for His glory. But The Inkwells does a great job of creating a fun, Christian environment. 

https://jonathan2886.wixsite.com/inkwells